© rosefeather

an attempt at explanation 

you asked me what it felt like, to be stuck in a perennial winter; to have fog cloud my lungs and make breath near-impossible. to resent sunny days for being something I no longer understood, no longer anticipated. I don’t know how to explain the truth of it to you, to work past the metaphors of darkness and rain and translate this into something you’ll understand.  I merely know the science behind it, the lack of balance in serotonin levels that can be triggered by prolonged periods of stress and hopelessness. it ran in my family, you told me, so I know what you’re going through.

it runs in my family, too. and I can tell you that being a daughter of depression is nothing compared to experiencing it firsthand; that the worry of not waking up to your mother living is nothing like idly wondering what it’s like to die. there’s no way to stifle it or ignore it, just efforts in vain to find resolve. I go on walks, I call my father. I pretend that my actions have purpose and sometimes they nearly do, sometimes I catch the ghost of intent when I pick up a paycheck or read a good book or make a clueless boy blush. I hope that, one day, my future will solidify into something with determination; I hope that the coldness in my chest will go away.

in the end, I suppose all I can tell you about depression is this: I feel as if there are ropes around my chest, thin cords wrapping around my joints and all are attached to bricks on the other end. sometimes, the ties around my limbs feel as if they never let up; the weight gets heavier. I imagine being in water—I imagine falling, of waking up with a shock of cold, of being weighed down by myself. I get lost in my comforter, burrowing away from natural light. I only open my window when it rains.

things i wroteidk about the title but i wanted it to have onebe..... nice..........tw depressiontw mental illnesstw mentions of suicide (very brief)
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